You and your partner have broken up. You both said hurtful things, and it got ugly. You wish it hadn’t, and are willing to forgive and forget if you could just get them back, but you don’t know how. You wish you could get your ex back.

Here are tips for mending your broken relationship, and starting over with your ex.

1. Know your own expectations. What ideals do you hold about relationships? Often, people are unrealistic in their expectations. Are you too distant, and expect your partner to be independent? Or are you too clingy and overly-dependent? Either one is negative, you need to find a middle ground.

2. Once you both have had time to cool off, start communicating again. Don’t go right into the relationship issues at first. Start with casual, non-confrontational conversations. If your ex isn’t ready for this yet, you need to give them more time and try again later.

3. Don’t brood or obsess. You want to have a full, healthy life in the mean time. Your ex should see you as a person who is whole and functioning, not as a needy basket case who buckles under stress. Don’t let yourself go. Make time to have fun with friends, and maybe look into a hobby or two.

4. Have an open, honest discussion about the breakup with your ex. You need to be honest with one another. Wait until you are both ready, though, so this talk doesn’t degenerate into blaming.

You need to discuss what was wrong, and how the breakup happened. You want to make sure you know this to keep it from happening again.

You may still have more questions about getting back together, like “what do I do now,” and “when will this stop hurting,” and “how long will they stay mad,” and “why won’t they talk to me yet.” This is normal.

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